cptntiller | "30 days of livejournal" : DAY 02 – Your first love, in great detail

38 days of LJ Meme : Day 2 – Your first love, in great detail

Great detail, eh? Ugh. This is already really hard.

Well, dear readers. Do you realize, that in just under 6 years of livejournal usage, spreading the gamut from 3-times-a-day bleed your heart out angsty 18 year old entries to nothing but photos, I have never once actually, directly talked about a relationship? There have been implications via general happiness and photos, but never an actual direct reference to a beau, boyfriend, or a tale of dating. I mean. Those who weren't stupid figured it out, but still. I never actually talked about it here.

I know at least one person noticed that.

bobo_dreams actually pointed it out once.

Much like Liz before me, I know my first love would not want to be called out here. So for the purposes of this entry, lets call him Alec Baldwin.

I met my first love via this website, actually. We have some mutual friends. He found me, we began interacting in October or November of my junior year of college. We started talking via email and then yahoo messenger. I found out he worked in the city I went to school in, and as we talked more and more, I found myself falling more and more. It drove me crazy. I was 20 at the time, and the age difference was substantial - he was more than twice my age. I was a very unexperienced person at this point in my life. I had come out just one year prior; I had had but one kiss, and certainly had never been on a date. Alec was/is a charming, handsome man with a very kind and sensitive heart, inside a rugged, manly world. He was understanding and patient, and we connected on a variety of levels. I wasn't sure how to handle being attracted to someone so much older and I was still not entirely comfortable with the fact that I was attracted to men in general, really. I was, really, too scared to actually meet this person. I wasn't sure what I wanted, and I was even shyer than I am now, and ... well. Yeah.

I had a nice streak of emo angst over it. And then finally, on February 16th, 2007, after fretting my way around an email until 3:32 AM, I finally got the gall up and pressed send.

Heylo Alec-
this here's Todd (duh), and I'm writing to say that today (it's officially friday) I'm free between 10:20 and 1:30 if you want to meet up for coffee/lunch or somefing. I'm kind'f springing this at the last moment... and you have work, so I'm expecting the answer will be a no for today... but let it be known that my pluck is officially greater than 0. Hope that you have a good morning time period, as I'm fairly sure thats when this will reach you. I meant to bring it up tonight, but I forgot. Lemme know what the verdict is via email or the power of the cell: XXX-XXX-XXXX (if I don't answer I'm in class)

Hugs
-Todd

He replied. We didn't end up getting lunch or lunchtime coffee, but I was free in the late afternoon, and he was too. I made my way to his office, more nervous than I could possibly explain. I still feel nervous just remembering it.

I tapped the car in front of mine parking. I parked illegally and got a ticket, actually. Too nervous to pay attention. I was shaking as I got out of the car, wandered to the door to his building, and when I got there, he came to find me in the hallway. He was exactly as cute as any pictures I had seen. And his personality was everything in person it had been in our emails and chats. He offered me coffee. I don't even know if I accepted. And we went to his office. It was big, I sat on the couch, he sat in a comfy chair. And we just talked. It was wonderful and I spent the entire time nervously flipping out in my head, trying not to blush or embarass myself. When the time came to leave it had been many hours, and we had a long hug.

This was a friday. The weekend came. The weekend passed. I went skiing. I thought about every word. I. Was. Hooked. I got a note on monday afternoon asking if I wanted to get dinner that night. I did. I definetly did.

We met in the parking lot of the nearby Chili's. We sat, ate, and talked about this and that. He handed me the crayon in the above photo, pointing out that it was my favorite color and a color of power. I was in awe of this man in front of me who was wonderful, thoughtful, funny.

Dinner ended. We walked to my car. I went for a hug, and somehow had a kiss. My mind was blown. THIS was what a kiss should feel like. [zomg I'm totally blushing at my desk just writing this.]

Within a few weeks, I had traveled to his home and spent the day. I quickly realized the age difference did not in the slightest bother me. Happiness outweighed it, and my friends were all just happy that I was happy. They didn't care about the age. I had the majority of my firsts, a wide world opened up. I told him I loved him. He returned it. We cried. There was great happiness. Things grew, bonds were created. I was head over heels. It was wonderful. Which, really, is how it should have been. We spent our time making at least one night a week together. Some times at his house, some times in Providence.

We were together until my first fall in Boston. [Note the period of EXTREMELY negative 365 self-portraits around that time.]

I don't want to get into the break-up part. It was dragged out a bit longer than it should have been. It got nasty. Let's just say there was a difference of opinion on whether or not the age difference would be/was a problem. I eventually called him and told him I couldn't see him anymore. We were both broken by it. I have seen him once since, but it was way too soon. We've resumed phone contact, which is nice. I hope to be able to hang out with him at some point, I'm trying to make sure time is taken so no one gets hurt by it.

[Full list of questions]