Day 228/365 [Year 2]

March is apparently question month. To ask me a question, post a comment here: toddpage.livejournal.com/370916.html [comments are screened]

All questions: Here

Question 4: What is your biggest fear?

First things first, I'm not in love with this photo. But my camera was out of battery, and my mothers wouldn't expose correctly... and as I was LITERALLY lying in the ocean in dress clothes on a day below freezing, I didn't really take the time to get the shot exactly the way I wanted. So, my apologies there. And you know damn well after all that, I was GOING to use it.

Moving on.

My biggest fear. Well, in the format that people usually mean that, EG: Spiders, heights, etc... my answer is usually pretty standard because it is something that terrifies me. I have had vivid nightmares about it, and they always scare me shit-less. And that is: drowning. I'm not sure where this fear comes from. I'm an excellent swimmer, and I love both swimming and the water. I'm not especially afraid of it, and I'm not even usually conscious of the fear when I'm near water. Last summer I jumped 30 feet into a quarry... so really I'm pretty fearless about it... but when I do focus on it, it freezes me up. Something about the concept of dying in that manner just makes me want to curl up into a ball and rock back and forth. Thinking about V-Wolfe walking into the water slowly and just purposely... you know... just... wow. Makes me very actually shiver. Mind you, that could also be related to other issues in my world, but the thought of drowning just terrifies me. And its not the death portion, either. Death doesn't scare me. Which sounds morbid.. but its really the opposite. I mean, I avoid it, and will carefully do so... it just doesn't lock me up in fear.

In the other sense? Probably losing control of my mind and body. I don't like that. I will never use drugs for this reason. I quit caffeine because I felt too dependent on it. It makes me very uncomfortable. Years of being forced to take Ritalin made me hate being reliant on medicine more and more, and I now only take it if I am feeling completely intolerable pain. I like to know that I can handle things, and that I can take charge of my life and mind when and if I need to. Probably to the point of being stupid and stubborn. [I know, imagine that, me, stubborn] I occasionally have more than a few beers, but I have never drank to the point of passing out or forgetting what I've done. And I hope to keep it that way. I also have a fear of not being everything I want to be. It manifests itself in many ways... but thats sometimes helpful.

[self-portrait]