Day 46/365 [Year 2]

I decided to get off a random T stop last evening and wander Boston to get to know it better.

I found rocks.

I climbed rocks.

It's something of an internal instinct, really.

[Self-Portrait]

( Alternate, nothing like this one )

Ellipsis

It's funny how things change and adjust as time continues forward, steadfastly. Your mind swings in and out of gears, from stable to instable, molding and adapting. Overcompensating, then struggling wildly to find a balance in the world you reside in. For a long time you're sure of everything you are and where everything stands, sits, or falls in your world, your environment, your life. A sudden shift can be toppling, no matter how prepared for such a shift you where. No matter whether or not somewhere, deep down inside, you knew the shift was going to happen.

And the perspective of every man is astray from the path meant to be followed. We complain about data speeds, bad service, heat bills, gas prices as we drive past the man holding his sign as he walks down the road "Hungry Veteran, please help! God Bless You. (Go Red Sox! :) )". We chat bemoaningly about the misplaced thread in our labeled shirt, the scratch in our car as we walk past the man on the sidewalk, struggling to overcome a tic that has overtaken his body, so that he can sit still in peace, and sleep through the night, hopefully not to freeze.

I was aware of these and many other things last night as I wandered and meandered through the city that has come to be mine. One foot in front of the other, following smoothly the beat internalized in my mind, the lyrics of music playing in and out of the forefront, melodies matching my mind, and I let a rush of thoughts and concepts I have been both grappling with and blocking for some time commandeer my mind. I did not directly deal with them, as I have been trying to, avoiding, and staying too busy to, for the entirety of the summer, but I decaged them and came to a few realizations. I have too much clutter in my life. I should not have to fight for evenings to do things with people I care about, or to do things that are simply for me. I have been mistreating people in my life, and with no greater cause than my own confusion and regrets: misleadings of my own mind. I have not once intentionally done so, but I have enabled myself to ignore the times I was doing so until later moments, and unlocked a part of myself that must be dealt with and put to the back of my mind. I don't like that part of myself, and other pieces of me that have evolved lately, and I must pursue an adaptation of self that further fits my being, and that beings interaction with the world. I must also rediscover what that is, exactly, and where the pieces that were and the pieces that are intersect and align. It is a renaissance period of self, if you will, a time to focus outward, and in doing so, return inward. It is not a time to focus on me, though the need to re-learn that is at the center.

I am no longer an in-pain, world-hating child, stuck revolting my being and everyone elses from within my shell, this has been thanks in many parts to the love and caring of people in my life who genuinely and sincerely care about me. I am not a mature, fully-healed and reconciled adult, but my awareness of that is a path to being so. I do not want to regress to the former.

It is interesting, I was talking to a close, close friend, and discussing a new phase in life, when I had, unwittingly stumbled upon my need to do a similar thing last night. I have, in fact, been meaning to hold from LJ, and flickr since midsummer, but my 365 project, and my enjoyment of interaction with all you folks has stopped me from doing so. I think I am going to do so now. I have not decided exactly how, I believe I will simply hold the photos until I return. I will still be taking them.

For a year and 46 days now, I have posted a photo, and for something like 375 of those days I have posted a picture of myself. Don't get me wrong, I love the project, and the interaction its brought. And I've found myself enlightened, pleased, shocked, flustered, and frustrated from it all within. It becomes tiring, and it is a huge time suck, and it also enables one to lose their full hold on reality. [That's focusing on the half-empty, a bit. There are many good aspects, like I said, I get alot of enjoyment from this community]

As you may have guessed, I am not writing this for you, the readers of this photo journal [as it were], I am writing it for myself. You would be suffice with a "I need a break, I'll be back in a month!" bit. And I will be back. Probably in about a month, because I do enjoy the community that comes with this area, though it frustrates me as well sometimes. We shall see. I am writing this to express it for myself, and to remind myself why I am doing so.

I am not giving up on my 365. I will continue to take them, and I will post them when I return. It's time to focus on the real world, real people, real things: who I am, and how I fit in with that, and how I fit into the puzzle piece that is my life.

I have no complaints about my life, I am not crazy, sick, or suicidal: a pre-emptive thank you for your concern, if your mind went that way. It's not anything you did or said, so calm down. This was my own decision based on my own needs.

Pax.